Sunday, February 4, 2018

A Full June Moon



"The most fantastic magical things can happen.
 And it all starts with a wish"
                                                      Pinocchio


Stepping out into a 100 plus degree Scottsdale, Arizona summer night we could feel it.  Not only could we feel the sweat of the sticky asphalt beneath our high heel designer shoes, but more so  the magic of the moonlight.  As we exited the cab one by one all four of us looking like fashion plates direct from a Neiman Marcus ad, we were women on a mission. Women on a weekend of wicked laughter, zero give a cares and the proud renters of two huge condos on a gorgeous golf course in Scottsdale. Now, dressed to kill and out on the town, our first night in a new city would be all about finding the perfect live music and dancing to our heart's content until breakfast time.  Two feet forward from the cab exit was a beautiful Romanesque gazebo complete with scenic view style picture windows, the type of structure built more for romantic Italian movie sets than Arizona sidewalk shopping breaks. Standing there gazing at stars through perfect architectural windows I felt so extra fabulous, so completely worry free. Two feet forward more and enter the most lovely lit up artisan studio of a lifetime. An elegant space complete with open house fancy finger foods, draped white lights, wine sampling and grey templed bachelors in expensive shoes.  Giggling like school girls (only refined ones with grit and sass) we ran across a tiny two lane street to take in the breathtaking view of a full June moon. Running now at a full sprint as if it could end at any moment, hand in hand we locked fingers.  Out of breath now four sets of heels perched upon a quiet curb. Heads bent back with faces to the sky. One. Two. Three, we closed our eyes. A deep breathe in, make a wish!  Silence. Clenched hands held so tight. More silence.  Quiet quiet. Still wishing and then...

Electricity.
The moment.
The magic.

Four women.
Four wishes in June
February now and all coming true.

May you wish hard today.
May your moonlight be bright.


xoxo
Birdee Bow

Friday, April 21, 2017

2 Headlights Down a Dark Highway



"May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears."  Nelson Mandela

Change.  Decisions about change.  How to know when you should make a change.  How to change.
 Circles and circles of  endless thoughts that can make any sane girl feel a little crazy.   And although change is the only constant thread throughout life?  It can still feel daunting, overwhelming and scary.

I recently heard an amazing metaphor for change that stuck in my mind like glue and has helped me remember to stay strong in moments of weakness.
 "Two headlights down a dark highway is life unfolding."  

I had to really stop and think about that statement.  2 car headlights heading down a dark highway. Whether you're driving from New York City to Los Angeles or just down the street to grab some bread after 10pm, you'll literally only be able to get there by seeing 200 yards at a time.   It doesn't matter how hard you squint, no matter how many times you check the rear view mirror, no matter how many times you look at the map and even if you wildly imagine what may be lying just ahead with the greatest of expertise? Nope, you won't truly see what's up ahead beyond those 200 yards until you actually get there. Even with our limited view, 200 yards or less, we continue to make those journeys.  We continue to get the bread, make the long road trips and somehow have the faith that we will arrive safely at our destination.

I guess the point is clear.  Destinations are not always filled with perfectly defined easy to predict miles, but if we have enough faith, a steady hand and a strong will?  We'll get there as life is revealed to us.
200 yards at a time.

And with any luck?  Something beautiful beyond our wildest dreams will appear to light up our road in a way we never could have expected.

I hope mine is a Ferris wheel ride in the country and some free cotton candy. ;)

Love Somebody.  It's Late
xoxo

Birdee Bow




Sunday, January 8, 2017

The Beauty of America


“Give me your tired, your poor, 
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, 
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. 
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, 
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” 



She was beautiful, impeccably dressed and carried herself with an unfaltering sense of confidence. However, the first thing I noticed about Hana was not her image, but her work ethic. Having been in my managerial position only days, the few hours I had spent in my new work environment had been laden with the learning of computer procedures and correct clientele protocol.  Still, every hour I had been present,  Hana kept landing in my peripheral vision. From afar, Hana seemed quick witted, light on her feet and constantly moving.  Rapid movement in the pursuit of sales.  The type of commitment to customer service most generally depicted in luxury retail training videos and work manuals. Needless to say, Hana made an impression on me even before I met her, and long before she shared her story with me.  

Who is that girl who seems to know every customer?  I asked my new coworker.
 
Oh that's Hana.  She's a top producer.  She's a force, but the sweetest girl you'll ever meet.
Having worked in sales most of my adult life I would have to say those two statements rarely go together.  Top producer AND the sweetest?  OK, sure it's possible, but not very common.  Being new to this upper echelon retail environment where 10,000 dollar evening clutches and 20,000 dollar evening gowns fly off the shelves like flashlights during hurricane season, I had to admit, I was a little intimidated. 


I watched as Hana handled the toughest high maintenance customers with ease.  Never cowering down in often stressful situations, she had a way of handling people with an air of confidence and firmness that even the most overindulgent, spoiled client seemed to appreciate. You'd be barking up the wrong tree if you thought you would ever get one over on Hana.  She was ready for whatever came her way.  Sometimes it seemed she must have experienced every customer scenario possible and had a mental notebook filled with politically correct comebacks and reprieves.  She was a true master and I got a kick out of watching her move overpriced designer merchandise like a well oiled fabulous selling machine.


How do you do it? 

My opening question seemed as good a way as any to introduce myself.

She answered with a sense of self mockery that led me to believe the sweet rumors I had heard were true.  As we talked about our past sales experiences and what had brought us to our current jobs, she shared with me the fact that she was originally from Indonesia.  

I had noticed her English was a bit broken, but she handled it with such ease and finesse it did not pose a problem. However, as she confided in me that she often loses words and might ask from time to time for help with grammar situations, I realized this seemingly always composed chick was also a bit intimidated at times.  A fact that endeared her all the more to me.  

Our friendly banter started off slowly, but as retail hours became long and sometimes quiet, we began to talk at more length from day to day.  I was amazed to learn of her journey as an impoverished and barely educated 20 year old girl from Indonesia. A brave young girl who took a chance at a better life in my beautiful country.  A country filled with opportunities which I have often taken for granted.

At 20 Hana knew there must be something better out there. Some place where life wasn't so immensely difficult, filled with hard thankless labor and little opportunity for education.   She had heard rumors about a man who would often visit her small village.  Rumors that for the right amount of money he could smuggle you into the U.S. A place she had dreamt of and most importantly a place she thought could bring an end to the cycle of poverty and dismal destitution which had kept her family held captive for generations.  

Completely captivated, I listened as she described with heartbreak how tough it was to leave her family. Unaware of where she was going and completely unsure of the people and circumstances that would get her there, with blind faith she boarded a plane and landed in Los Angeles, CA. It was the beginning of the unknown and the summer before her 21st birthday.

She couldn't speak a word of English and was solely dependent upon strangers who were smuggling her along on this journey.  Once she landed in LA she was picked up by a city bus that carried her to an area close to skid row in downtown LA.  Dumped onto the street she was handed a set of scribbled instructions. Instructions which led her to an apartment.  An apartment where familiar speaking displaced Indonesians were currently living.  They worked during the day at a restaurant and at night would sleep in the makeshift apartment behind the restaurant.  A place she described as pure filth and disgust.  As many as 20 workers at a time would sleep huddled and crowded on a cement floor. Buckets were used instead of indoor plumbing and water was sparingly carried in daily from the restaurant. 

Work  would usually begin at 5am and continue until midnight or later.  Each worker would be paid only a dollar per day and were allowed 2 meals from the restaurant.  Meals which she said were spoiled, impermissible foods and mushy bruised vegetables unfit for paying clientele. One of Hana's duties once a week was walking to the neighborhood market to buy vegetables for the restaurant. During her market excursions, she began to learn English by reading the signs above the produce aisles. Lettuce, cabbage and carrots were among the first English words she mastered.  A slow process, but Hana was determined.  Learning was looked down upon and heavily dissuaded by her handlers, so she kept her new English word discoveries a secret.

As months went by, Hana heard more rumors.  Rumors about better (nicer) people who would pay a bit more per hour for illegal workers.  She took a very dangerous and risky gamble as she and a few others hopped a bus.  Again, no clue where she was headed, but hopefully to better circumstances than the one she was leaving behind on the dangerous streets of LA.  The weather became steadily colder as they traveled from the west coast farther east, a detail that she had not prepared for as she was dressed in only a t-shirt and worn jeans, the only clothes she owned. As the Greyhound traveled on  she eventually saw the signs reading Colorado.  What was Colorado?  She had no idea.  She had no knowledge of U.S. geography or even the concept of states.  As the bus pulled over for her stop, she saw a white van.  A white van driven by a strange man who would take her to her new destination. Another restaurant where she would labor away for pennies a day. However, this place paid 2 more dollars a day and was rumored to be a better, safer environment.  

Upon arrival, she was happy to see much larger living quarters and fewer people to sleep on the floor. A hardwood floor with no furniture, but she thought this already seemed better.  Her hopes were quickly dashed upon realizing the new apt had no heat and no hot water. Winters, which she still describes as one of the most brutal experiences of her lifetime, were unbearably cold. She developed a reoccurring sickness during those winters.  An illness she now knows to be severe bouts of pneumonia brought on my ice cold showers.  A fact she discovered to be true many years later after several doctors, lung x rays and ongoing bronchial issues. She endured three Colorado winters of hard labor without heat or hot water in sub zero temperatures. 

Listening to her relive these moments brought wells to my eyes, but I hid my tears from Hana.  I knew a few things about Hana and one of them was that she didn't want sympathy.  Sympathy made her feel uneasy. She didn't have time for words of pity or sadness. In fact she told her story with a smile.  The kind of  smile worn by those who have endured tragedies and overcome death defying circumstances with honor.  She spoke of her past in terms of triumph and self discovery.  You didn't have to be all that perceptive to know that she survived the adversity in her life through positive thinking and hope.  Sympathy and self pity had nothing to do with her survival.  Zero.  

She described eventually leaving Colorado and finding other work labor situations. From Austin to Florida and back to LA, there seemed to be no shortage of these hard labor style environments, some of them more conducive to helping her better herself, some completely harrowing. These sad stories were not without comic relief, as she lamented the first time she saw an electric clothes washing machine and dryer.  She had never seen this in her country as they had always washed their clothes by hand in a nearby stream.  She marveled at the first time she saw the process and kept feeding the dryer too many quarters to watch it go again and again!  She promised herself she would one day own one of her own!  

Somewhere along these journeys she taught herself conversational English.  Purchasing a tiny English language pocket handbook, she studied profusely day and night. A handbook she still carries today and refers to as the best eight dollars she ever spent.  She worked continuously to connect with other Indonesians who had successfully made the transition to American citizen. One of these connections put her in touch with an attorney. An attorney with whom, after many months of planning, she was able to meet.  The attorney told her if she could get 350.00 dollars he could help her get the paperwork she needed to start the process.  Upon this great news Hana set out to save up the money that would change her destiny!

It took five years to save 350.00.  Not five weeks, not five months, five YEARS. I still remember nearly losing my footing when she spoke those words. But true to her indelible spirit, Hana persisted. She labored, toiled and struggled through terrible  and often life threatening situations for five more years. She described the day she walked into the attorney's office with the money in hand as the day she knew her life would finally be different. After almost 10 years in the U.S. Hana would be on her way to becoming a U.S. citizen.

Her first job as a U.S. Citizen was at a Macy's.  She was hired as a seasonal Christmas wrapping employee.  She wrapped presents all day and carried her trusty English language pocket handbook along.  She spoke of how amazing it felt to get that first paycheck.   $7.50 an hour!  An amount which would have taken a solid 12 hour day work week  to obtain before.

Hana never looked back.  She used every single day of her new career as a ladder to success.  She took every single opportunity as a personal invitation to freedom.  She worked tirelessly and sincerely and successfully until she went from seasonal wrapping employee to department manager at Macy's.  Hana saved her money and paid her own way through college.  Obtaining a degree in Business, she eventually left Macy's for bigger luxury retail opportunities and soon worked her way into an upper level management position with a six figure income.  

"I have seen the darkest recesses of the human spirit and I have witnessed the most beautiful generosity and opportunities this country has to offer. I believe in the beauty of America."  Hana

Before, I had only  known Hana as a pretty, flawless faced girl who drove the brand new black Porsche in our employee parking garage and carried a different CHANEL handbag everyday to work. The poster girl for career success.  The girl with the unfaltering commitment to customer service. The girl with the unstoppable work ethic. 


Now I know her as one of the greatest inspirations of my life.



Love One Another

Hepburn Hugs & Ric Ocasek Dreams

xo
Birdee Bow








Sunday, September 25, 2016

Yes.



"When you say yes the Universe helps you"
Dan Brule


I recently met a woman in a busy, bustling restaurant who spoke to me as if we had known one other for years. Her warmth and positivity drew me in on an otherwise stressful day when I would have tried to escape her longwinded nature.  This day (for some reason) I leaned in.  This is when she told me about the year that changed her life.   The year of yes.  

I have heard this saying as a mantra and even read about the concept as a life changing mechanism, but this was the first time hearing someone proclaim it as an actual event.  I wanted to know more.  I asked her if she would tell me everything and of course she said, yes!

Turns out she was quite reluctant at first to the whole nonstop yes idea.  In the beginning it was a lot more about potluck dinners, co-worker get togethers and social functions. The kind of events that, lets face it, are not really ones we want to say yes to when asked johnny on the spot. Or in my case, the type of event invitations I might duck behind a bathroom stall in order to avoid.  Yeh, those.
But no matter how boring, how seemingly lame, she said yes!  Some, she said, were quite  tiresome events after work, Friday evenings and a specific time I never wanna be bothered, Sunday afternoons.

Learning to say yes was the biggest part, she explained.  She went on to say we're so socially programmed to say NO that often it's our first response gut reaction not an actual decision process.
Apparently these initial yesses were more of a training ground for amazing things to come, because before she knew it bigger yesses were just around the bend.

Before long she found herself saying yes to places entirely out of her comfort zone. Scuba diving, elephant riding, zip lining, walking on burning coals.  She went to bah mitzvahs, christenings and even a dark magic convention or two.  She saw country bands, metal bands, classic operettas and a multitude of music she had never heard before. Along these adventures she met people she would have never spoken to in her normal routine of life.  People, whose views were entirely opposite of hers. Within these new relationships she found the most freedom to be herself.  After all, this was all new territory, new ground.  A whole new her.

By the 6th month into her year of yes, she said something transformed within her social interaction and spirit. Now instead of just saying YES to life she was beginning to be the initiator.  She suddenly wanted to be not only the invitee, but also the inviter. She said around the 7, 8 and 9 month mark she was so filled with exuberance she couldn't help but want to share it with those in her world. She wanted everyone to know the joy of yes.

By month 10?  She had visited 3 continents, seen 4 of the world's 7 wonders and fallen madly in love with her soulmate. A soul mate she says, she would never had found if she had not had the courage to say yes.  A yes that she had been spending years and years of her life saying no to. She had trying times, breathtakingly beautiful moments, close calls, setbacks, victories and most importantly, laughter.

This woman's story became more enthralling, engaging and animated with each word spoken.  It was as if I had just gone along the journey with her.  Mesmerized, I felt happily exhausted, as if all those elephant rides and burning feet embers were my own.   Palpable. Unforgettable.

As she walked away she left this last statement as an indelible passport stamp on my brain...

   "I'm living a LIFE OF YES now because one year was just not enough!"

Say yes today.
May your potluck dinner be delicious.


Hepburn hugs and Ric Ocasek Dreams,

xo

Birdee Bow




Monday, September 19, 2016

Black, White & ART All Over...



" The most valuable gift you can receive is an honest friend"  Stephen Richards


Walking through their living room into the kitchen, the mod vibe was unmistakable. Fun mid century style furniture mixed with an antiquated radio and tube TV.  This could've been Rob & Laura Petrie's place I thought a'la 1962 from The Dick Van Dyke Show, but it wasn't.  No, this place was more hip, more intricately planned and every bit 2016.

It's a funny thing, strolling through another person's home during an open house real estate event. One can't help but imagine the personalities and even the physical features of the people who live there.

Making my way into the hallway, I passed by photo after photo of this gorgeous family. Young, attractive and all smiles. Beautiful husband and wife who could've both been runway models, but seemed to have instead embraced the writing world and the most precious wide eyed little girl with blonde curls and dimples.  The type of photographs usually found in shiny silver frames for sale in store front windows, only these photos were real.

Every room was more adorable than the next. This was a home not only well planned, but well lived in.  Comfort seemed to ooze from every corner of this abode.  THIS place was a real estate agents dream come true!  With every cute accent and interesting wall covering, I felt more at home. Energy. You can't deny energy.

Then turning into the bathroom, I saw it. The art of the day.  A sprawling huge white canvas with very infantile words in black rudimentary print spelling out:
BREAK MY HEART?  I'LL BREAK YOUR FACE.  

So striking, so completely out of place. This overbearing proclamation of black and white hanging ever so boldly above the toilet.  The type of art that refuses to be inconspicuous. Not only are you going to read it, but you will take notice and you will ponder and you will read it again and again and again.  No escaping. This was the bathroom.   As an occupant, you definitely are visiting there more than a few times a day.

How strange I thought.  Everything else in this home was so subdued and so gentle, relaxing against softly painted walls like a comfy worn in chair. This particular art piece was taking over the vibe. This super sized canvas of black and white had just become the defining moment of the home tour and this was the defining statement:
"Break my heart? I'll break your face."

As much as I hated the strange way it interrupted the flow of the house, I loved it even more.
It was daring and unfitting and inappropriately perfect.

Value.  I think it stands for value. The value of another person's heart.  The value of building a relationship.  The value of a future. The value of love.  Maybe this couple's tongue in cheek illustration was a gentle reminder of the inexplicable thing that brings any two people together in the first place... value.  Maybe a little black and white constant subliminal reminder is a good thing.  A thing that keeps a love beating strong and valuable.

Or y'know maybe it's just art. ;)


Value one another today.


Hepburn Hugs and Ric Ocasek Dreams
xo

Birdee





Tuesday, March 1, 2016


"Because of you I laugh a little harder, cry a little less and smile a lot more." 

Like all mornings that begin with maddening backed up traffic dashes and 90 minute waits in doctor's offices staring at fish aquariums...I was annoyed.  Annoyed not only about the routine physical examination I would have to endure for insurance purposes, but also about the 5th cup of water I was having to down for tests on an already nauseated stomach at 8:30 am.
 You gotta LOVE.  IT.  

Then, just as my small mind got completely comfortable wrappin itself around a self pity style morning, I saw him enter the room.

He looked to be in his late 30's.  Handsome with thick dark hair and a warm smile.  Wheeling his way into the room, he locked his chair into place and lifted a large backpack up onto the receptionists desk and pulled out a stack of papers.

 "Thanks to you ladies, my paperwork load is getting lighter every visit."
Flirty, lighthearted and funhe spoke with a strong drawl that reminded me of sweet childhood friends from Alabama and the way a southern accent can suddenly set a frantic mood into calmness.

Ever so intentionally eavesdropping, I was drawn into the conversation as he spoke candidly about his accident.  An accident which had devastatingly crushed his spine when he plunged 30 feet from a drilling rig.


"Never imagined I would be in this shape.  You'd never imagine the odd things that I miss.  Oh, sure I miss the use of my legs and the normal day to day, but there are a lot of things I've lost that I never really thought about...like spitting.  Do you know I dang well can't spit anymore? I miss spittin."
He said it with perfect southern sarcastic style timing, instantly putting the entire receptionist desk not only at ease, but into full laughter mode.

"Not that I was a big spitter or anything, don't get me wrong ladies,  but I never thought about the stomach muscles I used to spit or raise myself from the waist up."

 
He continued as the mood went from laughter to a bit more somber,

"You wanna know the one thing I miss more than anything?  My dadgum laugh.   I tell you somethin' right now.  I had the most boisterous boomin belly laugh you ever heard. I was famous for it!  Couldn't hide how I was feelin.  No sir.  Everyone  knew it when I was amused.  I can't laugh like that anymore, now it's more like a whisper.  Crazy thing ain't it? To miss the sound of your own laughter.   I guess it ain't really that big a deal.  I just wish I could hear it again.  Y'know, before I forget what it sounds like."  


Tears began to roll down my face as his voice trailed off and he rolled down the hallway.

When had been the last time I heard myself laugh?
When was the last time I really listened?
What had I been complaining about 5 minutes ago?


May you find every reason to laugh today, with every inch of your being.

May you fall in love with the sound.


Hepburn Hugs & Ric Ocasek Dreams,

xo
Birdee

Friday, June 19, 2015

The Day I Burned My Kitchen Down & Other Reasons To Avoid Chimichangas



"If you burn your kitchen down people are far more likely to ask you out for dinner." 
                             Birdee Bow

I still remember peering into the window from the huge wooden front porch.  The large beveled glass door was locked, but just inside I could see the beautiful black and white checkered floor of the entry way and a massive wooden staircase just beyond a set of french doors leading into the dining room.  So beautiful!  I screamed out loud and prayed that it hadn't already been taken. Sitting on the front porch swing I tried the number on the FOR RENT sign again on my cell phone.  Oh please please answer, this is the house we so desperately need!!

Only a few days in from our mass exodus out of  L.A. (on one of the hottest days on record in the San Fernando Valley and a subsequent rolling blackout) we had been looking for a place.  Some place cheaper and more laid back. Some place easier.   A place where the six of us could focus on writing music as a band for the next 12 months and save money for a new album and a U.S. tour. As is the scenario of most events in my life, it happened suddenly.  One evening around 10pm as we searched the Internet in our stifling hot non ac style Canoga Park hotel room, boom, there it was.  This beautifully scenic small college town in Kansas where we had remembered playing a few times along our journey and one that we not only had a few darling and friendly fans to play for, but also where (we had just discovered) a 6 bedroom 2 bathroom Victorian house with a full basement for rehearsals and ghetto demo making was only 1400 bucks a month.  Yep, literally within hours we loaded up the van and headed out across the Mojave Desert.

1500 miles later, there I was, actually standing on the front porch of this massive house I had found on craigslist back in Cali.  Ahhhh the excitement, the fear, the exhaustion.  Moving into the place was such a fun adventure!  We had not one item of  furniture with us, nothing except band equipment, recording gear, suitcases and a lot of hope. Fast forward a few months to our newly thrift store furnished & severely chic vintage shoppe decor, rockin' cool,  Victorian Band House.  Fun, fabulous and the hip place to hang out on weekends as we had an ever revolving door of new found friends, free basement rock shows and board game nights (my fave).

One quite normal morning as one of the guys left for his work day I heard him say, "Hey!  Chimichangas in the freezer and I left some oil on the stove, just in case you want some for lunch."

Yeh Awesome! Thanks. Walking into the kitchen, I clicked on the stove top burner and started up that oil.

Ok, so here's where the details get a little fuzzy, but I know one thing for sure, the doorbell rang. It was the mailman with a huge package of some sort of bass gear. I signed for it and went back into the house. Only I didn't make it back into the kitchen, I somehow decided to start cleaning out the closet in my bedroom (yeh no clue why).  Also, no idea how much time had passed, but as I folded sweaters neatly into a pile, I heard it began to blare...the fire alarm.  Opening my bedroom door, the room filled with smoke.  CHIMICHANGAS.  Yeh, now I remembered. Walking down the long hallway toward the kitchen I could see only flames shooting from inside the kitchen doorway.  Yeh, it was too late to even think about going in there.

Grabbed my cell and did the 911.  Apparently there is a serious pause of life that happens when tragedy strikes, a slowing down of time that seems as if  you are lifelessly floating above the current moment. Suddenly trying to predict the outcome becomes almost as mind numbing as the tragedy at hand.  I think it only took the fire department 5 minutes to get there, during that time I called (crying like a fool) twice and felt like 5 HOURS had already passed as the lovely dispatcher lady kindly talked me out of my panic and told me to NOT under any circumstances go back into the house.

As I envisioned burning band equipment, guitar amps, drum kits and all our dreams going right up into smoke, I saw the first fire truck turning the corner at least 4 blocks away.  Standing in the middle of the street I waved my hands jumping up & down like a crazy person. In my sleep shorts, ripped t shirt & last night's hair do, I resembled a post club night Courtney Love lost in Kansas. I waved and waved until the truck actually honked at me to move out of the street.  Yes, admittedly not my proudest moments.

The first fireman who walked toward me was an older man with the most calming nature I have ever encountered.  As the others ran past me into the house, this fireman hugged me and told me everything would be ok. I didn't even realize how upset I was (like I said, that whole slow motion thing), but when he hugged me?  I felt my knees buckle as I collapsed in his arms & felt like I might vomit.  Ahhh lucky guy!  Stuck there holding a hot mess.

I'll never forget that first axe hit, the one they do to check for pressure. Perfectly sideways, right across the perfectly beautiful kitchen window. Ugh.  I'm pretty sure I lost my cookies at that point and the rest is a blur as band mates came flooding in from their jobs and daily routines.  I've never quite felt more like a loser than on that day, but the good part? The damage was completely contained within the kitchen and no serious damage took place. Ok, YES, except for the entire kitchen. Luckily, our landlord was a saint and literally was more worried about all of us than the kitchen. Kansans are awesome btw.

I helped that summer with the remodel of the kitchen & the repainting of the house. Although yes I was probably more in the way than anything, but it's the thought and the fresh lemonade that really counts right?

One of the songs off the new album was entitled Four Alarm Fire. Ahhh the circle of Art & Life, Life & Art. 

May you encounter a friendly fireman sans the flames.
May you only eat Chimichangas at restaurants.

Hepburn Hugs & Ric Ocasek Dreams
xoxo

Birdee Bow

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Let me see you SWEAT. #LeoLife



"You hear that voice?  You hear that sound?  LIKE THUNDER Gonna Shake the Ground..."

You know those ideas you have from an early age and you're not quite sure where they came from?  Yeh, it's a mystery. One very distinct idea I can remember having from a very early age was the idea that things you really want in life should appear as if by surprise.  Ok, so yes I understood the hard work aspect for most outcomes, but the work shouldn't be too noticeable.  It should seem quite effortless to those around you. A proper lady shouldn't have too much sweat (so to speak) upon her brow and it's downright  rude and improper to be too persistent or intrusive.  The effort should really be an afterthought to the talent and sheer will.

uhhhh yeh ok.


I think this may have something to do with a more southern style environment or the fact that southern women are not supposed to appear desperate under any circumstances.  (Scarlet O'Hara ring a bell anyone?)
I'm not really sure where that personal ideology of mine came from, because my parents certainly didn't teach it to me  (In fact quite the opposite).  But for better or worse?  I'll admit it was indeed the way I thought.

I would like to say now and ON THE RECORD that I've spent the better part of my adulthood poking huge gaping wound style holes into that theory.  Let me tell you one thing for certain:

 IT'S A BLOOD BATH.

FIGHT for whatever it is you want in this life and start early.  Fight with all your might because the younger you learn to fight the more prepared you'll be to fight off the naysayers, the haters and the creepers in sheep's clothing.

FIGHT to ward off the small minds you will meet along the way who only wish to change your vision and mold you into another form of mediocrity.

FIGHT like your life depends on it, because it does.  BE intrusive and annoyingly persistent about your goals. VOICE THEM as loud as possible, whenever possible.   Never take no for an answer & ignore those with broken dreams who negatively work to  prevent you from pursuing your own.

Let all that sweat show upon your brow.
Wear it like a badge of honor while you ROAR.

GLISTEN.  GLOW
FIGHT
LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW


Hepburn Hugs & Ric Ocasek Dreams,

Birdee Bow





Friday, May 22, 2015

Three Little Words & Easy Silence


                "I got you babe."   Sonny & Cher


I recently read an article entitled, Three Little Words Most Cherished in Relationships.  A mixed bag of three word phrases quickly shuffled through my mind,  I love you?  I need you?  I want you?   Nope none of those made the cut.  Turns out the three most longed for words are
 I
Got
You.

Ahhhhh, "I got you."

Conjures up a lot of serene thoughts doesn't it? That peaceful feeling when some one's got your back. The comforting knowledge that someone is not only looking out for you, but watchin' ahead for you too. I find it not only to be an amazing phrase to hear, but also equally gratifying to say to someone you truly care about.


Made me think about an old song I hadn't heard in a while.

Easy Silence
When the calls and conversations
Accidents and accusations
Messages and misperceptions
Paralyze my mind
Buses, cars and airplanes leaving
Burnin' fumes of gasoline
And everyone is runnin'
And I come to find a refuge
In the easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
The peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay


Wishing you moments with someone who keeps the world at bay.

Hepburn Hugs & Ric Ocasek Dreams


xoxo

Birdee Bow


Monday, May 4, 2015

Playground Road Kill and Lesson #1



"It's fine to celebrate success but it is more important to heed the lessons of failure."  BILL GATES


In the 6th grade I had a mad crush on a boy named Tony.  Tony was short for his age, not that good looking and he had a really bad attitude. The only thing Tony really had going for him was the fact that he was a track star.  Yep, a 6th grade tiny country school in the middle of a cotton field kinda track star.  Ohhhh swooon.

Ok, so this may be hard to believe (because I don't really believe it myself) but in the 6th grade, for one year only, I too was a track star.  I ran the fastest quarter mile and thus was placed on every relay team for our tiny school.  This was a strange phenomenon for me because   a.)  I had never really thought of myself as a fast runner and  b.)  I HATED running.

Fast forward to one sunny spring afternoon onto the 6th grade playground.  Now that we were older, most of the 6th graders hung out near the outdoor basketball courts and a few scattered merry go rounds which were older than dirt and I'm quite sure had been designed in the 60's.  Now busting up through the ground the rough concrete centers were entirely visible and the bowed circular action of the "rounds" were more like sun warped frisbees with lifeless flight.

While standing near the merry go rounds (now packed with cool kids).  One girl screamed to me, "CONTEST!" as she egged on a group of middle schoolers to challenge me and Tony to a  merry go pushing competition. They chanted "boys vs girls boys vs girls!"
Ahhhh WHO would be the fastest?

As I watched Tony push the screaming preteens into merry go ecstasy, I felt a lump the size of Houston forming in my stomach. I knew I was up next.  Ok, I could either forfeit the race (which was my favorite option) or I could possibly follow through and maybe not only win but gain some brownie points with my lightening fast crush.  Maybe, just maybe if I could win? He would be amazed at my skill and fall in love with my fearlessness and skill (or something like that).  

Alright alright here goes nothin'...

Stepping over the faded and splintered wooden seats and onto the rock filled ground I was now fully inside the medieval warped contraption.  Starting to push I wondered how much all those seemingly thin little 12 year old girls actually weighed.  Jeez it was heavy. Gaining speed now I listened as they began to cheer me on. "Yea!! Girls are faster!  Girls are faster! GoGoGO!"

Faster. Faster. Faster. I ran and I ran and I ran.   I would take this vintage merry go round straight into flight!  I was unstoppable.  How cool I must look right now!!  How unbelievably awesome Tony must be thinking I am!
And then it happened

Tripping on my own shoe lace I suddenly began to tailspin...falling falling falling. Everything began to happen in slow motion as I slipped into a tragedy of Greek proportions.  I lost all control, but the one thing I had not lost?  My grip onto the rails of the merry go round.  The merry-go-round continued to drag my lifeless body around and around and around, across the sharp rocks while embedding gravel and loose rocks into my knees and elbows. I was playground roadkill.  Just as I felt the jagged concrete center digging into my rib cage. I heard what the crowd must have been yelling for a while,
"LET GO!!"

I finally did.

Lying there face up as the bars of the orbiting vessel continued to spin, I  felt the dizzying sun flicker across my face between the passing shadows of metal bars and dismayed faces of disappointed girls wearing braces.  I couldn't get up yet, but I knew this wasn't going to be good.  I could already taste the blood from a busted bottom lip and my knees and elbows were numb with just enough feeling to indicate road burn.
Entirely too soon, the dust settled.

Making my way out of the center of the merry, a few fateful friends helped me limp to the curb as I dusted dirt clods off my new white shorts and snazzy striped tank top.

Devastation, complete unrelenting embarrassment and a mortifying playground visit from the school nurse later, I wanted to die.

Ok, I'll make the best of it, I thought.  I mean after all, wouldn't Tony at least feel sorry for me?  

Y'know maybe come and check on me?  hmmmm turned out I might be right as he and his two buddies started making their way across the grounds. Sitting up I tried to gain composure as I straightened out the snazzy new tank top.

Brushing the  bloody dirt off my upper lip I winced up at him, holding my hand over my eyes to block the sun.
"You ok?"  he said it in such a sweet manner I thought my heart might melt.
"Yes",  I muttered "thank you and you were really ..." (he cut me off)

"You're an idiot.  Why didn' t you just let go?  MAN. Chicks are retards.  You could've never won anyway, boys are faster."  He mimicked my hands holding on to the bars for dear life and then the three of them laughed, gave me the stink eye and ran away as the bell rang.


Thinking about that event recently, I had to wonder about all the possible hidden lessons and I boiled it down to the following:

a.)  6th grade boys are jerks
b.)  EVEN if you're dying, don't ever let the school nurse baby you on the playground.
c.)  Don't believe your own hype
d.)  Never give in to peer pressure
e.)  If you have to prove yourself then maybe it's time to split.

But I think the #1 lesson is this: (drumroll please)

Life is filled with experiences that leave you feeling like you're being dragged around in endless circles. Before the gravel becomes part of  your kneecaps? Don't forget you have the option of letting go.

AND double tie your shoelaces before every race.


May you let go and let love

Hepburn Hugs & Ric Ocasek Dreams

xo
Birdee Bow



Thursday, April 23, 2015

Stars, Cherished Nights and Beautiful Static...


Some days I am more aware than others that every moment is meant to be devoured. Not only devoured but squeezed, adored and cherished for all it's worth.

Welcoming the outside in, the studio door stood wide open. The beautiful static sounds of a record player needle filled the air as it glided across the vinyl of Elton John's Sweet Painted Lady.  An ocean breeze mixed with the stillness of a Long Beach, California night. The sky was hazy with a city glow, but  I could only see the stars.

Enter piano man John Caldwell.

I have always believed there are no strangers among musicians.  Writers, players, singers and shakers, we are most normally instant friends upon meeting. As John sat down at the piano,  I was filled with excitement.  Having never heard my song before, I anticipated what he might add to the mix.  Watching his hands begin to move across the ivories with a cool steadfast and easy flow, I suddenly felt my heart migrate to the center of my throat. I could not breathe, I could not think. There was nothing left to do but feel. They don't call him Fingaz for nothin.

Tears strolling down my face as I listened to my story come to life.  His energy, his emotion, his immense talent pouring out onto a baby grand and his story becoming a part of the very fabric of my own. An unspoken phenomenon of vibrating sound building bridges with melody,  harmonies hinging us together with cosmic kismet.

Musical collaboration is such a stale term for the energy in which it stands for.  In it's most sincere form, music is not only about the combining of efforts, it is about the combining of souls.

Music heals.

May you feel today.
May you leave the door open.

Hepburn Hugs & Ric Ocasek Dreams

xo
Birdee Bow


Sunday, April 19, 2015

Love, Joy & Shuttle Rides Like Bumper Cars

"The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."                                                  CHRISTOPHER McCANDLESS


She had that Sophia Loren sexy confidence thing, the shazam most normally reserved for yesteryear 50's style glamazons and curvy movie stars.  Her electric energy filled the airport shuttle like a sultry smoke cloud.  It was impossible to look away from her, her over sized Jackie O sunglasses and overstuffed Gucci bag. She demanded center stage like a 1960's technicolor Jack Rose film, only brighter and more mysterious.

"May I sit?",  she asked in what I thought to be a Russian accent.

 "Yes, certainly" I replied while scooting to the left of the bench seat.

Making our way across the terminals of LAX felt more like a bumper car fun park ride than a trip to the rental car establishment.  Sudden jolts and break induced neck jerks stuck on repeat as we abruptly stopped at each terminal. Meeting eyes with heads bouncing,  we couldn't help but laugh at the sight of one another. Laughter which inevitably opened up to fabulous conversation.

(Ok, so I  couldn't help it!)
"Have you ever heard that you look a lot like Sophia Loren?"  
"Ahh yes I have heard this before, but very sweet of you to say"

Her accent was Croatian.  A fact I learned when she lamented about fleeing the beloved country of her birth in 1994 to Italy during a war of independence. In the years following the war she had hoped to return to Croatia with her two small children.  It was not to be as economic collapse had left the area in peril.  She chose instead to take part in a U.S. program enabling she and her sons to relocate to California as refugees of war. Quite a daunting task as she spoke not one word of English nor knew one soul in this country.  The only thing she knew for sure was that she wanted a good life for her children in a place with unlimited opportunity.

At different parts of her story, I felt tears welling up in my eyes. Tears partly from the beauty and strength of her resolve and partly from my own pride.  Pride in being a citizen of such a great country and pride in the freedom to take advantage of the amazing opportunities it holds.  A luxury I often forget along the hustle of my journey.

I don't want to forget anymore.

Continuing with her story somewhere around terminal 6, she mentioned that she now was in her fifties and that she had not only taught herself English within the first three months of being here, but also worked four and five jobs to support their family.  Jobs she tirelessly carried until her English was proficient enough to start a career.  A career where she is now at a regional supervisory level and working at a job she loves.  Both boys had recently graduated from college, one in a  science field and one in the arts. She spoke of their accomplishments as a unit, as an entire family who had joined forces and beat the odds against extremely difficult circumstances.

The love in her conviction was immeasurable.
The joy in her voice, contagious.

"This life is a strange and glorious ride!", she said as the shuttle finally pulled into our destination.

"Oh, and one more thing."
She motioned to me as we stepped down onto the sidewalk,

"I found love two years ago and got married!  After devoting my entire life to my children and believing that love would have to wait?  Turns out it did.   I found love in the sweetest man I have ever known.  At 54!  Can you believe it? 

Yes, Sophia... I do believe.

Wishing you  inspirational strangers and an open heart.

Hepburn Hugs & Ric Ocasek Dreams

xo

Birdee Bow






Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Brains, timeless beauty & the pursuit of something real...



Conversations overheard in a powder room can be golden.  Catch a girl in a mirrored room with a tube of lipstick and her best friend and you'll inevitably get an outpouring of truth.  Such was the case on this particular Saturday night.  A Saturday night of extremely overpriced posh Mediterranean dining on Melrose Avenue in West Hollywood.  


Standing in the huge over sized brass mirror, I worked to powder blot the T zone oils of an extremely hot summer night skin in August. Mirrored compact in hand and bright orange floral sundress,  I was feeling pretty confident and on trend in my new pink heels. Now if I could only get this shiny face to cooperate.
Just as I pondered my very ridiculous girl problems, BAM!  The door flew open with the frenetic energy of two women on a mission and a gab fest.

Pouncing their designer handbags onto the black marbled counter top, they continued their conversation as if they were the only two in the room.  One quick reflection in the mirror and our eyes met.  Yep, I was caught.  Caught staring. Quickly looking away and back into my purse, I knew I recognized her.  Ooooo she was one of my favorites! One more tiny look and I'd be sure.  As I glanced again, I zeroed in on the telltale dimples and the voice.  It was undeniable.  I was now sharing counter space with a star.

Elegantly dressed in white, she wore flowing pants and a jacket perfectly tailored to her petite frame. Yves Saint Laurent or St. John, I thought, either way it was exquisite.  Just as famous for her infamous handsome husband as her successful career, I wondered if he was somewhere to be found in the restaurant as well.  Just then, she began speaking in that husky voice.  To me.

"Excuse me, do you have a mint?"
"A mint?" uh, I'm sorry. I don't, but I have some gum?

"Gum is great."  she said as she flipped her blonde hair back while giving her eye a pull upward with her fingertips in the mirror.  "Ahh this harsh lighting is hideous!"  

Unwrapping the gum, her friend continued with the banter...

"Remember what I said?!  It's not the lighting it's the warped world we live in. Don't obsess."  

Now actually including me into their conversation the blonde starlet shook her head at me with the sort of look I had only previously seen her portray on the big screen.
 "My friend and I have a ritual.  We often text one another beautiful photos of Jacqueline Onassis in her 60's or Diane Keaton or even our moms!  If we ever get the itch to do something drastic to our faces?  A text from one another can really save the day.  We're each other's rock.  It's important to be reminded what real women with intelligence and immense capabilities look like as they age.   L.A. is a strange land."  

Yes.  Yes it is.

Poof!  One door swing and they were gone.  It was as if my regularly scheduled life had been interrupted for an important message from the A List Glam Lady Society for 30 seconds of wisdom.  


In a world filled with Kardashians, today I will choose to celebrate timeless beauty, brains and accomplishment.
After all, that's what real starlets do.   ;)

Hepburn Hugs & Ric Ocasek Dreams,

xo
Birdee Bow

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

No Apologies...


There is a  quiet hush across Manhattan during the days surrounding the 4th of July.  The type of quiet hush that is all at once eerie and serene.  A mass exodus of city dwellers racing to beat concrete jungle heat by escaping to charming Connecticut countrysides and other lush green destinations in search of cooler temps and slower paces.

Dressed up for my own early morning 4th of July style adventure, I hop in for a short taxi ride uptown, East 85th to Madison. As Madison beckons to me, it is as though I am the only moving vehicle on 85th this early morning.  The 15 minute usual journey becomes a 5 minute skip across avenues of non existent traffic.  Ahhh locals have spoken of this phenomenon.  Today should be lovely...


Making my way down an entirely closed for business and uncluttered Madison Avenue, I marvel at the emptiness of a usually hustling and bustling city sidewalk.  Now without any crowds to work my way around and the absence of friends, shopping companions or any ONE rushing me down the street, I am free to stop and peer.  I have a ticket to stop and stare inside the doors of Christian Louboutin as long as my heart desires. As unabashedly long as I like, without apology.  Time is all mine. I breath slower.  I feel lighthearted and content.


Taking in bold artistic visions and vibrant, intricate details, I am surrounded by lux therapy for hungry eyes.  I am high heels and ear to ear smiles. Elegantly executed window displays refined in utmost style. I envision teams of talented souls creating daring wearable art.  I imagine sketches drawn and re drawn until the perfect shade of posh becomes a reality.   Consumerism built this street, but on this day Madison operates only as my modern museum. I am mused by Chloe, Pucci, Lauren,  Nanette Lepore...even Laduree and the Dean & DeLuca grocery store!  I am intrigued by the passionate design surrounding me.



As a fiery sun rises higher into the sky on this morning of a hot July,  I am Holly Golightly starring in my own early morning Truman Capote scene.


Backyard BBQs are overrated.

May you always create your own kind of solitude.
May you never apologize for it.
May your February be filled with fireworks.

Hepburn Hugs & Ric Ocasek Dreams

xo
Birdee Bow






Friday, January 30, 2015

Lady Judy & The Glamour Spoiler

"Beauty is not caused.  It is."  EMILY DICKINSON

Pulling into the circle drive, my mom, older sister and I  struggled to read the small typed note on the front doors of the town civic center
 INTERVIEW HERE.

 "Ok, this is the place, better hop out before I park because it's already 5 minutes til!"
Jumping out of the rolling car, I hustled my way up to the front door with my garment bag and purse in tow.  Immediately upon walking in I was met with a lady in her late 50's dressed like the quintessential Texas Pageant Organizer in a pink tweed jacket graced with gold buttons and a CHANEL-ish style skirt.

"Ahhh you must be contestant #17."Looking down scanning my paperwork I finally saw the number.
 "Yes! Yes I am #17."

"I'm Lady Judy.  Please find your place at the end of the line. Hurry along sweetie and look alive!"

The southern drawl of her cadence was much more South Texas than North Texas (and yes there is a very definitive difference).  It seemed as if no one associated with the pageant at hand was actually from the area. No one seemed warm and fuzzy in that familiar kind of way.  I thought it odd that most of the contestants were from cities much larger than my small country town and that I was only one of two contestants who were actually from the tri-county area.  Wasn't this supposed to be Wheatheart?  As in heart of the wheat land?

Winding my way around the corner of a huge corridor, there it was: The line.  Pretty girls all lined up in a row ready for the interview portion of this grand affair. It was my first real life look at my competition. Oh I had seen the photos in the preliminary brochure mailed to each of us a week ago, but seeing everyone in true form was a different thing entirely.  Suddenly I felt so small, so unbelievably skinny and sooo flat chested.

The first girl I met was a girl named Lowery. I remember the name so clearly because I thought it so different and interesting.  She was friendly and bouncy, but much too animated for my taste.   An overwhelming bubbly energy masked her nerves.  I thought of her immediately as a non contender, but a surefire bet for Miss Congeniality.  It was almost as if she knew she was destined for Miss Congeniality and therefore played the part with utmost gusto. She offered me a goodie bag filled with assorted fruit gums, hair bows and a box of tic tacs.  Yep, gunnin for congenial.
Welcome to the bizarre world of pageantry.

Alongside her was likely the most beautiful girl I had ever seen in all of my 17 years.  She looked like a cross between a young Christie Brinkley and Faith Hill.  The sort of blonde beauty Texas is famous for generating.  Summer had curves for miles and the kind of airbrushed skin and flowing hair I had only seen between the pages of  TEEN ELLE.  Oh how I hoped I didn't have to stand beside Summer in that line.  Perusing the line further I couldn't help but notice Margret.  Margret was perfectly poised. Shorter with sky high stilettos, she reminded me of an early 1960's Elizabeth Taylor.  Big stiff helmet hair, a pointy style bra and thick winged eyeliner. The type of eyeliner I had only witnessed on my mom's friends in their 30's and Doris Day movies.   How out of place she must feel, I thought, in this sea of natural modern beauties.

Ok, so you should know that this wasn't just any pageant. This pageant was the Miss Wheatheart event.  An event which could single-handedly catapult a girl right into the Miss Texas pageant.  The thing of glitter wishes and caviar dreams.  A pageant that not only promised full college scholarship cash and beautiful clothing, but also travel and boat loads of glamour.  Did I mention glamour?

Deep down I knew I wasn't going in to this competition as a true contender.  Yes, I had won local talent contests and runner up awards in small pageants, but this was the big league.  Once I qualified for the competition, I spent hours convincing my parents to actually let me participate.  I can still hear my dad's words...

 "What about all the girls out there who can't afford thousands of dollars for a dress and sportswear attire?  Are they just not pretty? You don't need anyone to tell you that you're pretty."
 ahhhhh My Dad!  Always the socially aware cheerleader for the underdog. The voice of reason and fairness.   I appreciated what he had to say, and yes, deep down I knew he was right, but I was 17 in Texas with big shiny stars in my blue eyes.  I had watched the Miss Texas pageant on TV every year since I could remember.  I just had to take this opportunity.  This could be my moment!  This could be the moment that changes a girl's life forever!  He reluctantly allowed it.  Looking back now?  I wish I had listened to him and kept that hard earned dough in my savings account or at the very least blew it on a fun vacation.

"Ok, you're next. Are you prepared to shine?"  Lady Judy in the pink jacket crashed right into my personal space. Brushing my hair back with a tiny hairbrush, she made her way up and down the line primping each contestant.  I wanted her and her big helmet hair to get out of my way.
   I GOT THIS.

Stepping around her, I marched straight into the conference room with confidence 100% fueled by naive stupidity.  A large horseshoe shaped boardroom table awaited me with five judges looking me over from head to toe.  The pretty woman in the middle seemed most friendly with a crooked smile. Gotta be a former Miss Texas I thought as I made my way to the interrogation chair smack dab in the middle of the room.

"Please introduce yourself"  Ohhhhh what a loaded question.  Here we go!

What happened next I cannot write verbatim with any accuracy because it blurs.  The type of blurring experienced under intense scrutiny, pressure and forehead sweating.  I do remember a lot of social and political style questions firing off at lightening speed.  Questions which I thought I nailed with quick witted answers.  Answers about female inequality in the work place and policies of the time which I thought were wrong and abhorrent within our nation's political system.  I spoke clearly and with feeling about poverty, racial and socio-economic injustice and how firmly I believe in many govt  programs helping those in need.  I'm pretty sure I used the word liberal a few times and my support of the ACLU.  Yep, pretty much exactly what every conservative Texas pageant panel judge does NOT want to hear.
 I was 17, oblivious and filled with my own truth.

Fast forward hours later.  Standing backstage in my snappy purple, extremely modest, one piece bathing suit. Lady Judy suddenly appears (back in my personal space I might add).

"WHAT on Earth did you say in your interview?"  spoken in a worried frustrated tone usually reserved for severe medical emergencies.

 I couldn't move, I was frozen.  Suddenly I was jolted back to reality by the tap tap tappin' of her super long manicured fingertips on a clipboard of talent statistics and beauty scores.

"I'm sorry.  What?  What do you mean?"
"I MEAN you were one of our top contestants.  You had top scores in sportswear, photogenic, congeniality, talent and poise!  After your interview you have plummeted to the bottom. Whatever you said? You blew it." 

 I felt my eyes begin to well up with tears.  I could barely reply.  The amount of displeasure in her voice was just too much for my young naive ears to handle.

"I'm sorry".  I whispered it to her, but it was really to myself.  She was right, I had blown it.  Of course then I didn't understand why.    It's a lesson we all learn in life isn't it?
Tell 'em what they want to hear.
I hate that lesson.
That's a horrible lesson.

Backstage I watched in a numb state.  Now just going through the motions as I knew I had no hope of winning, I watched in awe as Margret (Elizabeth Taylor) and her mom carted a portable air brush tanning machine into the dressing room.  Like clockwork her mom sprayed the sticky tanning goo onto her naked body.  Completely uninhibited and rehearsed. I listened in as her mom told my mom about their pageant adventures and how they had been traveling to every  Miss Texas preliminary across the state.

 "We've logged a thousand miles!  This is our life!"  yelling now as she kicked on the compressor pump of the spray tanner.

Bottles of non jiggle glue-ish  spray fumes filled the air as girls molded their thighs (if only mine had any meat on  them I thought I might join in too).  Rows and rows of electrical tape strategically placed around boobs to give them the perfect perky look inside tightly belted dresses and bathing suits.

Watching such odd reflections behind me in the stage mirror, I got a dark lonely feeling.   It all terrified me. Who was I kidding?  Even if I had aced the interview questions, I still would have bombed. I didn't belong here.  I  had never seen anything like this before.  I had no idea this was the "glamorous" scene from backstage.
I was not only out of my league, but I was intensely uncomfortable.
As uncomfortable as I felt, my poor mom and sister felt even more out of place as they struggled to support me in an environment which seemed not only alien but also absurd.  Amazement on our faces, we giggled to one another a lot that night.
Admittedly, I giggled to keep from crying.

Walking out on the stage in my last walk of the night, I decided to rock that beautiful evening gown like a winner even though I knew I was not.   As I looked down at the judges I gave each one of them a smile (as they endlessly coach you to do),  I think it was at about this moment when resentment kicked in.  Looking at each of their faces, I wondered how I would judge each of them.

Terrible fitting suit on judge one...
comb over Trump hair on judge 2.
 Judge 3?  Wayyy too much botox.
 Judge 4    needed a makeup lesson
 and Judge 5?  Reminded me of a car salesman I had once encountered while shopping for a Buick with my Grandpa.  

Why is my dad always right?

Margret (Elizabeth Taylor) won. Even though I had chosen modern beauty Summer to take the crown,  the judges had chosen 60's pointy bra style Margret.  I couldn't even imagine one guy in our age range even thinking of her as attractive.   It was entirely over the top.  It was entirely fabricated and it was clearly the winning ticket. After all, this was their day job.  This was their entire existence. Studied and perfected.  



Later that evening as we packed the car for the long drive home, I watched as Margret and her mother smoked cigarettes together in the back parking lot. Packing  their tanning machine and tall makeup kits into the trunk of a beaten up station wagon, I saw her throw the huge plastic winning trophy, rhinestone tiara and banner on top of a heap of dirty clothes in the back seat. Flicking her cigarette out of the window as they drove away, Margret (now in smeared black eyeliner and hot mess hair) smiled and waved at me.
Waving back, I couldn't help but like her, but I knew I didn't want to be her.
I also knew I would be seeing her on the TV soon, watching her in the Miss Texas pageant and very likely even in the Miss America pageant one day.

Talk about a Glamour Spoiler

May you say whatever you feel today no matter who judges you.
May you forget the lessons we've learned.
May your Tiara be sparkly

Hepburn Hugs & Ric Ocasek Dreams

xoxo
Birdee Bow