"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." Ralph Waldo Emerson
Putting my lyric sheets onto the music stand, I cleared my throat a few more times & took a few last sips of tea. As I slipped the studio headphones on I thought about all the hours of work the guys in the band had already put into the tracks & all the 9 to 5's it had taken to get here, to this beautiful studio. The pressure, the excitement, the intimidation, the money, the ANXIETY!! As the already recorded band tracks rolled, I closed my eyes & pretended I was back on stage. After all, I wanted to belt these songs out like the business. I wanted to do it all in one take. I wanted to be perfect and perfectly wrapped within our band budget.
Just as I thought I was really in the swing of things, his voice interrupted the track like an Emergency Broadcast Test jolting you awake when you've fallen asleep in front of the TV, "Ok, let's take it again from the beginning. Are you breathing?"
"Uhh, yep. I think so. hmm, Yep, breathing!"
"Ok, from the top"
Take 2 quickly turned into take 15 & then the vocal booth door slowly began to open. Taking one ear piece off my ear I turned to see a very frustrated producer's face peeking around the door frame. "What are we doing today girl?"
He said it with the sort of cool L. A. laid back vibe that conveyed a feeling of ease while at the same time a serious sense of urgency. "What? uhh Sing?!" I stuttered.
Thinking back now, I can only imagine how wet behind the ears I must have looked. Standing there with the widest of obviously naive eyes & every hope & dream written upon my sleeve.
" You're singing this song like you've never heard it before & you WROTE it. What gives?"
I was shocked, "I am? Really? I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing. What am I doing?"
Last thing I had wanted to do was hold up this costly process, second to last thing I wanted to do was disappoint our producer. After all, he believed in us. He believed in me. He was trying to make my music a reality & he was the epitome of cool.
He continued, "What are you thinking about right now? What's going through your mind?"
And then it fell out of my mouth as if in slow motion..
"Celine Dion."
WHAT? Did I just say that out loud?
Was that even true? What??
No more than I said it he began laughing.
I wanted to fall down laughing hysterically too or maybe I just wanted to cry? I'm not sure, but this all consuming overwhelming sense of defeat had just taken over my entire existence & I suddenly felt exposed & really really uncool. I wanted to bolt, but I couldn't, he was blocking the doorway.
I had no answer. Truth is, I admire her a great deal. Let's face it, she's amazing, phenomenal even, but honestly? Not really a huge fan. I mean, I don't have her on repeat on the iPod. But, there she stood, knee deep in my psyche dressed in some fabulously golden beaded Vegas show gown looking like a million bucks. This ever powerful, legendarily angelic voice of perfection echoing through my head.. Her killer pipes & awe inspiring range taunting me as if to say, "You're not good enough, Go back home Sucka."
Ahhhh The mind is a crazy place. I'm absolutely certain of this.
"Sorry, we're not doing Dion today." He said it while propping the door open & motioning me out of the booth. As we sat there in front of the control board, we talked about the songs, about music in general & why it had become a central part of our lives. He asked me what music really meant to me & why I had written songs in the first place. I told him a few of the stories behind the music & he listened. Really listened. He reminded me of who I was & what made me different & interesting & most importantly? Worthy.
Funny isn't it? All those days & months spent touring, confidently writing, performing & sharing my music, but as soon as I stepped into the vocal booth I forgot how to be me. Seems like a simple thing,
It's not.
I think about that day so often.
It serves as a reminder that I can't be anyone but me, but if I really live it
ME is more than enough.
Hepburn Hugs & Ric Ocasek Dreams
xo
Birdee Bow
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